it's hard adjusting to be alone at home. nick isn't talking to me. i just want my mom to surprise me and tell me this was all an elaborate hoax. i don't miss her and it causes me to almost have a meltdown. i want to cry about my mom but i can't. i hadn't seen her for over a month when she passed. i was one day away from seeing her again and she left me. i want to wake up from this weird nightmare but it's reality. i want to get high so bad that i might drink instead.
my brother has finally talked to me today!! we're doing good and he even might spend the night here. my grandma isn't home and dad took leo for the week to work. i found weed earlier and i managed to throw it away. i wanted to try even a microscopic dose but i decided to text my dad instead and he said "lol garbage." i found a beautiful, heartwarming poem by my mom that she must've written years ago. it was about her being gone but still being present in our lives after she has passed. it's about her handprint and we actually have her fingerprints saved before she was cremated.
i had my appointment on the 20th and was diagnosed with bipolar type one. i don't believe this is accurate as i've barely had enough time to tell anyone my genuine, complete story. i will take this, however, as the medicine does seem to be working. i told the doctor that i feel normal for the first time since the hurricane and that might've just fucked me and my chances to get high again. i miss it so much.